You Are At The Archives for November 2010

Saturday, November 20, 2010 in


November is such a beautiful time of year. It’s the time when people come together. Whether it’s because of the holidays, time off work or school, or just bitching about the cold weather. Either way people always seem more friendly in the colder months.

Plus, November is the start of the holiday season. Stores are gearing up for Christmas shopping sprees and grocery stores are stocking up on holiday cookies and eggnog. But maybe my favorite part is the Christmas music.

It’s not that I want to listen to Britney croaking out My Only Wish or Mariah Carey’s overly impassioned All I want for Christmas is You, it’s that I have to. There’s just something about the unabashed, suggestive, Christmas music that puts me in the Holiday spirit.
The true essence of Christmas (in CD form)

After Thanksgiving my car radio stays on the 24 hour Christmas station.
No matter what.
You want to change the station? I hope you like walking.

Thanksgiving is such a strange holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I love every second of it. I mean what could be better? All you do is sit around with family and friends and eat a bunch of comfort food all day. It’s like the one time of year where you won’t get judged for being a total glutton. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure it says that in the bible.

While Thanksgiving will always have a special place in my heart, there is one negative thought that plagues my mind year after year. Let me set the scene for you.

Past Thanksgivings between 2004-2009:

I’m home for the Thanksgiving holiday to spend a brief couple of days with my family. On Thanksgiving morning I wake up and help my parents get the meal ready. While watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, we set the beautiful table that my mom decorated days in advance.
Even Martha would be jealous
We’re no Norman Rockwell painting but it’s still a nice family gathering.

As I sit down at this beautiful table, smell all the comforting food, I look at my lovely family and their smiling faces, I can’t help but picture this:
Yes, that is the gluttony scene from the movie Seven, in which a man is forced to feed himself until he literally bursts. It's so strange because usually if Brad Pitt is in a movie all I think about is how good his hair must smell, but not this movie. This movie has had a strange pull on my mind, particularly this gluttony scene.

Just when I couldn’t imagine how this horrible image of a large man slumped over, face- planting into a bowl of spaghetti could get any more vivid in my mind, it does. As people reach for second helpings and start bringing pies to the table, there is always someone that says, “I ate so much, I think I’m about to burst!”

This is usually the time I reach for another glass of wine.

Later in the day as everyone is sleeping in their turkey coma (and I’ve checked all their pulses), I try to distract my horrified mind by watching the news. After seeing which local redneck tried to deep fried the turkey in his garage this year, I start to feel a little better and remember all the things I have to be thankful for.

Like not having a family that plays horse shoes with toilet seats.

If you are spending the holiday with friends or family you might want to check out this website to avoid any Thanksgiving Day blunders. And to cleanse your mental palette:
Happy Thanksgiving

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Get Some Harmony

 A couple nights in a row my mom was teasing me about boys and told me I should join eHarmony. She mentioned the site was having a 10 day free trial. She was joking or at least that is what she claims.

But this got me to thinking, What if I actually did join eHarmony? What if I did like hundreds of other Americans and just signed up?

I could totally do this. I could make up a profile that listed weird hobbies and described my life in a vague but positive light. I can sound completely rational and normal to a stranger.

Back off haters, I can be date material.

I started to think about what I would put in my profile. I’m obviously not perfect. But really, any of my flaws could be perceived, if stated in a different light, as something cute and charming. While I hate lies, I see nothing wrong with sugar coating the truth.

Flaws = Flaws eHarmonized
• Messy eater, should really never eat in public = Enjoys quiet meals at home
• Aspiring collector of velvet, unicorn paintings = Keen eye and passion for art
• Stress is my only form of exercise = Refuses to use a Shake Weight
• Irrational fears = Dreamer that lives in a world of possibilities
• Socially Awkward = Musician
• Strange sense of humor that tends to be off-putting = Dog Person
• Unusual and creepy memory for other people’s life events = Likes board games

See? I can sound like a completely normal person. It’s all about the presentation.

But back to the plan. eHarmony? There’s where the magic happens. I mean, if you’re going to do something weird and get some good stories out of it, why not join an internet dating website?

The only problem is, my pesky, pesky conscience. It takes all the fun out of my life (but luckily keeps me from being a sociopath).

Always let your conscience be your guide...
Unlike Ted Bundy
People actually join eHarmony to find their soul mate, right? Some of these people are lonely and just want to find someone to spend their days with. There’s nothing wrong with that. Can I really just go on there to meet a bunch of weird guys so I can have some silly stories to tell?

There are 20 million registered users on eHarmony. Granted, at least 10 million of them are probably perverts. Four million are either of gold-diggers, con artists, or people with strange robot fetishes and sadly least one million are senior citizens, mistakenly signed up because they thought it was the AARP website.

So I’m betting at least five million of these people are really trying to find their special someone. The Sonny to their Cher. The Cheech to their Chong. The Ernie to their Bert. Um... none of those really made any sense as successful couples. oh wait! how about:
I can’t just go online willy nilly, signing up for an online dating site that I have no intention of being realistic about. I can’t just make a mockery of the 5 million people and their dream to find their true partner. No matter how silly I think it may be, eHarmony has helped some people find the love of their lives.

I mean, we did have a theory teacher that found his perfect match on some Catholic Singles website (He really shouldn’t have shared that in the school newspaper... ).

So, for any of you out there, joining or thinking about joining eHarmony, I sincerely wish you luck. And just a few words of advice, if a guy tells you his favorite movie is Weird Science, move along.

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